Gimme The Headlines

Vale Steve Jobs

2011-10-06T18:09:00.001-07:00

We give you the three-fingered salute.

Scientists Discover Sun Responsible for Global Warming

2010-10-06T23:15:00.001-07:00

Aung San Suu Kyi turns 65, thinking of retirement.

2010-06-18T23:10:00.000-07:00

The 65th birthday of Aung San Suu Kyi, Burma's detained opposition leader, is being recognised by supporters both at home and abroad as a good time to retire. The opposition leader's National League for Democracy won a landslide election victory in 1990 but the military refused to recognise the win or give up its rule. Celebrating her birthday under house arrest,the Nobel Peace Laureate mentioned that she may consider retiring from her busy role to spend some time around the house.

50 Cent loses half his weight, now calls himself 25c

2010-05-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

NSW Transport Minister comes out of the Cabinet

2010-05-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Best Headline Ever!

2010-04-02T03:01:00.000-07:00

"Police locate $5million worth of ice as they smash Bikies ring"

Charlie Sheen Arrested for Crimes to Comedy

2009-12-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

Charlie Sheen has been arrested in the Colorado resort town of Aspen on charges related to his extremely popular but comically dubious sitcom 'Two and a Half Men'.

Police spokeswoman Elissa Moore said Sheen was arrested on Friday on charges of over-acting, second-degree use of eyebrows both felonies, along with criminally poor timing, a misdemeanour.

Police say the 44-year-old actor will be held without bond until his first court appearance. The court was closed for Christmas, and no date for his appearance has been set.

Jail officials said they will hold on to Sheen for as long as possible, in order to halt the filming of another series.

Tiger Woods REALLY needs to improve his driving

2009-12-08T00:30:00.000-08:00

Not only has the infamous late-night car crash put Tiger Woods in the rough, it has been revealed that Tiger is not his real name. He was orginally named Cheetah.

Hey Hey, I'm not racist but...

2009-10-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

5 Indian Doctors and none of them are Taxi Drivers or Terrorists...?

Broken Hill moves to Rooty Hill

2009-09-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

After more than a 1000 tonnes of red soil was blown from Broken Hill to Sydney on the East Coast the City is now in clean-up mode. In another shock there were reports of some 4WDs on the North Shore being covered in dust.

Rupert Grint has Swine Flu

2009-07-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

Rupert Grint who plays Ron Weasely in the Harry Potter movies has been treated for Swine Flu contracted while working on the latest film.

Doctors also treated him for Hog Warts.

Miss California not fired, by Trump

2009-05-12T15:39:00.000-07:00

An emotional Miss California Carrie Prejean kept her crown on Tuesday, and the beauty queen stood by her opposition to gay marriage and defended posing for topless photos. Speaking from California, Miss USA pageant owner Donald Trump said "I hope that beauty can once again triumph over politics, this is not Alaska"

NOW - News Of the Week - April 28

2009-04-28T00:19:00.001-07:00

Ronnie Wood set to marry his 20-year-old Russian lover

2009-04-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

The 61-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist – who sparked huge controversy last year after leaving his wife of 23 years to be with Ekaterina Ivanova – has told friends he has found “a new lease of life” since dating the waitress. Before he can marry Ekaterina, Ronnie must divorce estranged wife Jo and he is determined to protect his £60 million fortune. Ekaterina a furniture lover is set to get an Old Rocker - Wood.

Authorities monitor swine flu spread

2009-04-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

Health authorities around the world are taking steps to prevent the spread of swine flu, which has killed more than 80 people in Mexico and infected others in the United States and Canada.
Although the origins of swine flu are unknown, authorities suspect Donald Rumsfield.

NOW - News Of the Week - April 25

2009-04-25T02:40:00.000-07:00

Russell Crowe slams Peter Garrett

2009-04-22T01:06:00.002-07:00

Russell Crowe, has used his appearance on Letterman to take a pot shot at Federal Environment Minister Peter Garrett over the fate of a wildlife reserve dedicated to the late Steve Irwin. Crowe went on to encourage viewers to "hit him up on the phone"

Dirty Domino's Duo, Caught and Fired

2009-04-16T21:07:00.000-07:00

An online manhunt has led to the firing and arrest of two Domino's Pizza employees after they uploaded videos of themselves on the web fouling up customers' food.

Viewers, disgusted by the vile videos, managed to track down the employees, Kristy and Michael, to a Domino's store in North Carolina in the US.

They have been offered jobs at the Coogee Bay Hotel.

AFL players mortified that frozen chicken was male

2009-04-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

FORMER Kangaroos captain Adam Simpson and senior player Daniel Pratt have admitted involvement in the production of an internet video depicting a condom-wearing rubber chicken performing sex acts. A chicken expert revealed today that the frozen chicken was actually male, a large rooster and the acts were done in a disturbing homo-erotic manner.

New 42 billion dollar national broadband network announced

2009-04-08T15:52:00.000-07:00

Now Australia can censor the internet faster than any other country.

Brothel crash driver flees

2009-04-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

The driver of a $175,000 Mercedes fled the scene after crashing into a brothel in Richmond on Sunday. Witnesses say he was not just crawling the curb, he leapt it and smashed into the building.

Politicians addicted to Chinese Junkets

2009-03-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

Almost one in four federal MPs have accepted free overseas travel worth hundreds of thousands of dollars from foreign governments, private companies and lobby groups in just 16 months since the last election. These politicians are racking up more frequent flyer points than the Hells Angels on their way to a beat-down.

The end of Work Choices?

2009-03-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

The Howard government's unpopular Work Choices legislation was buried by Labour last night. But questions arise as to whether it is really gone. Malcolm Turnbull is facing his own Work Choices as his popularity decreases in the polls and with his own party. Malcolm Turnbull is fighting to retain the unfair dismissal law.

Politician, pretending to be sorry for lying...except?

2009-03-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

A web prankster impersonating Communications Minister Stephen Conroy on Twitter has been outed as a Telstra staff member. Leslie Nassar has been instructed not to talk to the media. Is this a case of a fake politician, not saying sorry for telling the truth?

Please Explain!

2009-03-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

The former One Nation leader Pauline Hanson allegedly posed for amateur snaps sold to The Sunday Mail and Sunday Telegraph. In the photos, taken 30 years ago, she is posing semi-naked on a hotel bed. Australia as one nation has voted, saying "I don't like it!"

Coldplay and U2 bust-up

2009-03-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

Chris Martin is not being drawn into comparisons with U2 or a verbal spat with Bono, who this week caused a stir when he jokingly called the Coldplay frontman a "wanker". This has the potential to see the two groups feud over who is the softest and most radio-friendly band in the world.

Principal finds 94 ecstasy tablets in 15-year-old's bag

2009-03-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

A 15-year-old school boy has been charged with supplying drugs after nearly 100 ecstasy tablets were allegedly found in his school bag. The Principal called police saying he wasn't prepared to accept the boy's explanation that they were a stimulus package.

IKEA faces credit crunch job losses

2009-03-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

Ikea has just announced a swathe of job cuts across all its stores world-wide. In what has to be the ultimate in DIY furniture acquisition, IKEA stores not only expect their customers to pick up and put together their furniture but to let themselves into the store as well. Ingmar Swensson the VP of Innovation at IKEA says customers can simply pick the store key up from under the mat.

Jennifer Aniston poses nude

2008-12-12T02:03:00.001-08:00

Jennifer Aniston wears a tie - and nothing else - on the January cover of GQ magazine. The 39 year-old actress looking trim and toned has sparked a massive amount of interest and attention, with talk of her starting a modeling career. She states "I never thought making friends would be easier than making Friends".

Mumbai hoax call forced Pakistan onto red alert

2008-12-07T12:22:00.000-08:00

A hoax caller claiming to be India's foreign minister, threatened Pakistan's President with war during the final hours of the Mumbai attacks, prompting Pakistan to put it's air force onto its highest alert for nearly 24 hours. The caller also asked the President, 'if he was satisfied with his current mobile phone service?'

iBreath to tackle drink driving

2008-12-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

The latest weapon in the war against drink driving is a breathalyser linked to an ipod or iphone. The iBreath allows users to check their blood alcohol content to see if they are fit to drive. Unfortunately it won't be able to tell you if you are a wanker.

O.J. Simpson gets at least 15 years in prison

2008-12-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

A Las Vegas Judge sentenced fallen grid iron great OJ Simpson to at least 15 years in prison for leading an armed confrontation last year at a Las Vegas hotel room, over sports memorabilia. Simpson may spend another 15 years in prison for his acting in Naked Gun 3.

Doctor performs amputation by text message

2008-12-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

A British surgeon volunteering in the Democratic Republic of Congo used text message instructions to perform a life-saving arm amputation. The operation was a success, though the doctor is recovering from a sprained thumb. ;)

Fake Postman robs woman

2008-12-03T12:37:00.000-08:00

A man who impersonated a Postie delivering a parcel, in order to steal cash and jewellery, is still on the loose. Police are asking for any information the public may have about this fake postie. They also recommend employing fake guard dogs as protection.

Kanye West gives up hip-hop

2008-12-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

Multi-platinum selling rapper and producer Kanye West will sing on his new album. Entitled '808's and Heartbreak', it features the artist singing with the help of the 'Autotune' software, which adjusts his voice to the correct pitch. The self-proclaimed 'Voice of a Generation', West has nothing but praise for Autotune. After '808's and Heartbreak' sold a million copies in one day, in the US, Autotune has now declared, 'I will go down in history as the Generation of a Voice'.

Australians on flight from Thailand

2008-12-01T12:54:00.001-08:00

As protesters continue to occupy Bangkok's Airport, the first group of Australians have been flown out of the country. After a tense wait, the Qantas flight took about 300 people from Phuket to Singapore. One passenger said "It's not the first time I've waited over an hour for a Thai Take Away".

Financial crisis hits Santa

2008-11-30T13:26:00.000-08:00

This year even the jolly, red-suited Santa will feel the effects of the global credit crunch. Many department stores are deciding whether or not to employ 'Santa's Helpers' during this Christmas period. Is this a case of Santa getting the sack?

Shonky egg lables

2008-11-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

Consumer group 'Choice' has given a 'shonky award' for misleading marketing to the Australian Egg Corporation, which labels its eggs as free range. A spokesperson said "we ensure each bird has access to an open range, but it's a chicken's freedom of choice to stay indoors". He continued "We don't know why they choose to stay indoors - they haven't even got Foxtel".

Russell Brand in trouble again

2008-11-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

After being suspended from the BBC for making lewd phone calls to actor Andrew Sachs, describing how he slept with his granddaughter, Russell Brand now claims to have slept with the granddaughter of Che Guevera. It was, Brand said, "a sexual revolution".

Rolf Harris regrets racist verse

2008-11-27T14:54:00.000-08:00

With the launch of his new illustrated book, titled Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport, Rolf Harris has removed a controversial verse from his original song. He says that what started as a fun song 50 years ago has become non-PC and that verse needed to be changed. Harris had no comment when questioned about the song's cruelty to animals.

Australians leave Britain

2008-11-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

Leading British newspaper, London's Times has pleaded with Australians not to return home to better job opportunities as the pound plummets. "It's really a vote of no-confidence in the 'old country' " says Oliver Darcy, a conservative politician. "I mean I'm not not racist but why don't they not go back to their own country?"

Obama puts team together

2008-11-25T12:08:00.000-08:00

President-elect Barack Obama has finalised the finance team for his new government. Voters who rallied to the cry of 'Time for Change' can expect just that, as they prepare for "the worst economic crisis in history".

ATM bandits strike again

2008-11-24T13:55:00.000-08:00

Masked men have blown up three ATMs across Sydney, early this morning, exploding machines in Clovelly, Chester Hill and Guildford. Police have stated that it has nothing to do with the annoying Westpac woman.

Hillary Clinton joins Obama's cabinet

2008-11-23T11:53:00.000-08:00

In a move designed to reconcile their differences and present a position of strength, President-Elect Barack Obama has appointed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Clinton has stated that she is "looking forward to repairing America's reputation abroad". Her husband former President Bill Clinton, stated "Secretary?, That sounds hot!".

Childcare crisis worsens

2008-11-22T18:26:00.000-08:00

As the critical shortage of childcare places worsens parents are sending their kids overseas or importing grandparents on year-long babysitting visas. As a result of this crisis Michael Jackson has re-opened Neverland.

Guns and Roses Album released this week

2008-11-21T14:09:00.001-08:00

It's been 7 years and countless millions of dollars but this week sees the release of Chinese Democracy, the controversially-titled album from hard rock group Guns and Roses. Ironically, in China, the pirated version of the album is available, freely to all people.

Fresh allegations against fake Qantas Engineer

2008-11-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

A man who who worked as a Qantas Safety Engineer and faked his qualifications to get the job, also faked the character references he supplied. The Qantas accidents were real.

NSW legalises marijuana for farmers

2008-11-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

In legislation passed last month, the NSW government has legalised the growing of marijuana to licensed farmers. Licences have been given to those interested in hemp production. The government's hope is to create new jobs which seems to be working with a high level of youth remaining in the farming region.

Another Qantas crash

2008-11-18T12:44:00.001-08:00

Two Qantas 747's collided while being towed at Avalon airport. While the release of the new james Bond movie Quantum of Solace has caused some hype in Australia, Qantas has continued with it's shocking year impacting it's reputation as it becomes the Qantas of Solemn.

Alcohol sponsorship of sport

2008-11-17T11:29:00.000-08:00

Recent University research has directly linked athletes' drinking problems with alcohol sponsorship of sports. The Federal government said today it's only a matter of time before they ban this kind of sponsorship. Alcohol manufacturers are looking for alternative areas to sponsor, such as schoolies.

G20's global plan anounced

2008-11-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

The meeting of some of the world's most powerful nations has hatched a plan to stimulate the global economy. One US spokesperson stated, "basically we need more fat kids - they buy and eat anything". Not everyone was happy with the idea as it seems to favour plans already in place by Australia and the US.

New Pyramid found

2008-11-15T16:47:00.000-08:00

A 4,300 year-old Pyramid has just been discovered in Egypt, buried under metres of sand. In Nigeria they've just discovered a brand-new pyramid scheme.

Man Pregnant Again

2008-11-14T13:46:00.000-08:00

Thomas Beattie a former woman is now a pregnant man, again. After giving birth to a baby earlier this year he stated, "it was such an amazing experience that it really changed me. I've never felt so changed in my life, apart from that operation".

Fake New York Times handed out

2008-11-13T12:50:00.000-08:00

1.2 million copies of a fake New York Times newspaper were distributed in New York and Los Angeles. The pretend front page claimed that the war in Iraq was over. Readers expressed anger over the incorrect TV guide.

Man fired over Movember

2008-11-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

David Nelson claims he was sacked for growing a Hitler moustache for Movember. Defending himself he said, "I was going for the porn look, it just grew shorter and thicker than I thought". His boss, Craig Campbell said "No one found his Hitler moustache funny". Mr Nelson works for the RSL.

Maldives to buy part of Australia

2008-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Rather than becoming victims of climate change, the government of the low-lying Maldives islands is looking to spend part of it's billion-dollar tourist money on buying new land. "As our land disappears we'd like to purchase a place that's similar to our home country." A government spokesman said. "Some place quiet, where there's nothing to do - we are currently looking at Adelaide."

Facebook cyberscam

2008-11-10T12:48:00.000-08:00

Nigerian scammers have begun using the social networking site Facebook to scam money. Still less annoying than pirates and ninjas.

Baby bonus to be cut

2008-11-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

In a drastic move, the Federal government has announced plans to cut the 'baby bonus', the $3000 once-off payment to help parents with a new baby. One upside though is that less money may help improve Australia's childhood obesity epidemic.

Obama campaign to be sued

2008-11-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

While successfully capturing the imagination of a nation and storming home to become America's first black President, there is now some controversy surrounding Barack Obama's victory. He is being sued over his campaign slogan 'Yes We Can', by British construction worker Bob the Builder.

Google vs Dolly Parton

2008-11-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

Major Tech Companies are lobbying the US government to release further bandwidth, creating new wireless opportunities. Opposing the idea is Dolly Parton, spokesperson for Theatre Producers who states that "there are concerns it may interfere with microphones used in Broadway musicals and theatre". It's the Titans of Silicon Valley versus the Silicon Titans.

Business time for new US President

2008-11-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama has made history by becoming the first black president of the United States. He says he will get straight down to the business of goverment, fixing the economy and fighting terrorism. Now it's Obama vs Osama.

New Relaxation Video

2008-11-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

After the excitement and stress of the Obama victory. You may need to relax.

Obama makes history

2008-11-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

In his victory speech, Barack Obama echoed the hopes of a nation. "I want to join with all those people who are looking for change. We need change. About $700 billion worth of change to fix the economy."

Police drop charges against McKenney, drops E, drops trousers

2008-11-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

"I always maintained my innocence", says McKenney. "No drugs for me, in fact the only drag I've ever had is the one I play in Priscilla. "I'm glad I didn't have to go to court, after being on Dancing with the Stars, I wouldn't want to come up against a mean judge."

Prank Phone call on Palin

2008-11-03T14:03:00.000-08:00

A Canadian Comedian pretended to be French President Sarkozy in a prank phone call to Republican Vice President Candidate Sarah Palin. Mrs Palin proffered to continue relations if she reached the White House even offering to go to hunting together. Of course the last time a Vice President went hunting with friends, Dick Cheney shot a guy.

Parents abandon private schools

2008-11-02T11:57:00.000-08:00

In the current economic downturn, parents are leaving the fee-paying independent schools sector and enrolling their children in local public schools. In other drastic measures, some parents are even trading in their 4WDs and picking their kids up in Taragos. Helen Dwyer a mother at Mosman stated "It's terrible, they don't even have rowing for sport - we'll be craphouse by the time of the London Olympics."

Luhrman, Jackman, Kidman Epic Movie

2008-11-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

This month sees the release of the action-romance period film 'Australia - The Movie'. The critics say, "much better than 'New Zealand - The Movie'. "

Body art ban for teens

2008-10-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Teenagers who rebel by piercing their forehead or permanently scarring themselves will soon be breaking the law. The NSW state government has made these activities illegal for anyone under 18. Banning piercing, scarring and alcopops, what's left for our kids? Junk food?, Catholicism? Attacking flamingos?

Another Obama Assassination Plot foiled

2008-10-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

In the US, the FBI has arrested four members of a White Supremacist group. These men were part of what is now the fifth plot to assassinate Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. Even though the FBI admits there may be other plots to kill Obama, he is still fifty-percent less likely to die before John McCain.

Keira Knightley weightloss concern

2008-10-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Hollywood actress Keira Knightley has dramatically lost weight over the last 8 weeks. Friends and family have raised concerns over her new trendy exercise regime. Today medical authorities in the US issued a warning against Pilates of the Caribbean.

US government's economic rescue package

2008-10-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

President Bush has pledged $700 billion in a bid to rescue the US economy. With the US dollar in free-fall, Bush has promised that $400 billion of that will be in World of Warcraft gold.

Chicken Burger Meltdown

2008-10-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

The worldwide economic downturn has now begun affecting well-known fast-food giants. It's the latest warning from the Federal Finance Commission about The Global Financial Crisis. The FFC warns KFC about the GFC.

Working on Rail rort

2008-10-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

Former RailCorp manager Brett Schliebs admitted that last July he took a day off to visit a lingerie restaurant in the CBD, despite filling in a time sheet that claimed he worked an 8 hour day. In his defence Schliebs stated, that as manager he was in charge of track-work and other erections.

Hotel digs deep to save stinking reputation

2008-10-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

The Coogee Bay Hotel stands accused of serving ice-cream which contained traces of fecal matter, to a family that had complained to management about poor service. In a press conference held today, the hotel promised to serve free Lemon Sorbet, "to help cleanse the palette".

Federal Police Terrorism Mistake

2008-10-25T19:23:00.000-07:00

Australian Federal Police have been embarrassed by the bungled arrest of a so-called terrorism suspect. Police arrested an Indian Doctor who was driving a bomb to the Airport, turns out to just be a taxi.

Minister for speeding loses licence, loses temper

2008-10-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

John Della Bosca, Minister for Education and Training has lost his licence and been forced to ride his bike to work. He has made a number of statements implying that he thinks 'a little bit of speed is ok'. Todd McKenney says the same thing.

Dr Killer travels with leader

2008-10-24T04:11:00.001-07:00

Dr Graeme Killer, the medical adviser to Kevin Rudd will now travel with him on all his overseas trips. While Security were initially worried by the idea of Killer on the Plane, they consider him a better choice than Dr Geoffrey Snakes.

By Jove, Kevin's got a Jeeves

2008-10-24T04:02:00.000-07:00

The Federal Opposition accuse Kevin Rudd of having a butler, who polishes his shoes and lays out his clothes when he travels. This almost became an embarrassing blunder when it was revealed that Brendan Nelson also pays someone to travel with him, but it turns out that Brendan Nelson pays someone to travel with him.

Rudd's 2020 Plan

2008-10-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

The two biggest issues in Australia are obesity and rising food prices. Rudd's solution is to let it sort itself out.

McKenney talks of his drug ordeal

2008-10-24T03:44:00.000-07:00

Police question Todd McKenney about the number of pills in his possession. He replies "It takes two and I'm dancing with the stars"