Jennifer Aniston poses nude

Jennifer Aniston wears a tie - and nothing else - on the January cover of GQ magazine. The 39 year-old actress looking trim and toned has sparked a massive amount of interest and attention, with talk of her starting a modeling career. She states "I never thought making friends would be easier than making Friends".

Mumbai hoax call forced Pakistan onto red alert

A hoax caller claiming to be India's foreign minister, threatened Pakistan's President with war during the final hours of the Mumbai attacks, prompting Pakistan to put it's air force onto its highest alert for nearly 24 hours. The caller also asked the President, 'if he was satisfied with his current mobile phone service?'

iBreath to tackle drink driving

The latest weapon in the war against drink driving is a breathalyser linked to an ipod or iphone. The iBreath allows users to check their blood alcohol content to see if they are fit to drive. Unfortunately it won't be able to tell you if you are a wanker.

O.J. Simpson gets at least 15 years in prison

A Las Vegas Judge sentenced fallen grid iron great OJ Simpson to at least 15 years in prison for leading an armed confrontation last year at a Las Vegas hotel room, over sports memorabilia. Simpson may spend another 15 years in prison for his acting in Naked Gun 3.

Doctor performs amputation by text message

A British surgeon volunteering in the Democratic Republic of Congo used text message instructions to perform a life-saving arm amputation. The operation was a success, though the doctor is recovering from a sprained thumb. ;)

Fake Postman robs woman

A man who impersonated a Postie delivering a parcel, in order to steal cash and jewellery, is still on the loose. Police are asking for any information the public may have about this fake postie. They also recommend employing fake guard dogs as protection.

Kanye West gives up hip-hop

Multi-platinum selling rapper and producer Kanye West will sing on his new album. Entitled '808's and Heartbreak', it features the artist singing with the help of the 'Autotune' software, which adjusts his voice to the correct pitch. The self-proclaimed 'Voice of a Generation', West has nothing but praise for Autotune. After '808's and Heartbreak' sold a million copies in one day, in the US, Autotune has now declared, 'I will go down in history as the Generation of a Voice'.

Australians on flight from Thailand

As protesters continue to occupy Bangkok's Airport, the first group of Australians have been flown out of the country. After a tense wait, the Qantas flight took about 300 people from Phuket to Singapore. One passenger said "It's not the first time I've waited over an hour for a Thai Take Away".

Financial crisis hits Santa

This year even the jolly, red-suited Santa will feel the effects of the global credit crunch. Many department stores are deciding whether or not to employ 'Santa's Helpers' during this Christmas period. Is this a case of Santa getting the sack?

Shonky egg lables

Consumer group 'Choice' has given a 'shonky award' for misleading marketing to the Australian Egg Corporation, which labels its eggs as free range. A spokesperson said "we ensure each bird has access to an open range, but it's a chicken's freedom of choice to stay indoors". He continued "We don't know why they choose to stay indoors - they haven't even got Foxtel".

Russell Brand in trouble again

After being suspended from the BBC for making lewd phone calls to actor Andrew Sachs, describing how he slept with his granddaughter, Russell Brand now claims to have slept with the granddaughter of Che Guevera. It was, Brand said, "a sexual revolution".

Rolf Harris regrets racist verse

With the launch of his new illustrated book, titled Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport, Rolf Harris has removed a controversial verse from his original song. He says that what started as a fun song 50 years ago has become non-PC and that verse needed to be changed. Harris had no comment when questioned about the song's cruelty to animals.

Australians leave Britain

Leading British newspaper, London's Times has pleaded with Australians not to return home to better job opportunities as the pound plummets. "It's really a vote of no-confidence in the 'old country' " says Oliver Darcy, a conservative politician. "I mean I'm not not racist but why don't they not go back to their own country?"

Obama puts team together

President-elect Barack Obama has finalised the finance team for his new government. Voters who rallied to the cry of 'Time for Change' can expect just that, as they prepare for "the worst economic crisis in history".

ATM bandits strike again

Masked men have blown up three ATMs across Sydney, early this morning, exploding machines in Clovelly, Chester Hill and Guildford. Police have stated that it has nothing to do with the annoying Westpac woman.

Hillary Clinton joins Obama's cabinet

In a move designed to reconcile their differences and present a position of strength, President-Elect Barack Obama has appointed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Clinton has stated that she is "looking forward to repairing America's reputation abroad". Her husband former President Bill Clinton, stated "Secretary?, That sounds hot!".

Childcare crisis worsens

As the critical shortage of childcare places worsens parents are sending their kids overseas or importing grandparents on year-long babysitting visas. As a result of this crisis Michael Jackson has re-opened Neverland.

Guns and Roses Album released this week

It's been 7 years and countless millions of dollars but this week sees the release of Chinese Democracy, the controversially-titled album from hard rock group Guns and Roses. Ironically, in China, the pirated version of the album is available, freely to all people.

Fresh allegations against fake Qantas Engineer

A man who who worked as a Qantas Safety Engineer and faked his qualifications to get the job, also faked the character references he supplied. The Qantas accidents were real.

NSW legalises marijuana for farmers

In legislation passed last month, the NSW government has legalised the growing of marijuana to licensed farmers. Licences have been given to those interested in hemp production. The government's hope is to create new jobs which seems to be working with a high level of youth remaining in the farming region.

Another Qantas crash

Two Qantas 747's collided while being towed at Avalon airport. While the release of the new james Bond movie Quantum of Solace has caused some hype in Australia, Qantas has continued with it's shocking year impacting it's reputation as it becomes the Qantas of Solemn.

Alcohol sponsorship of sport

Recent University research has directly linked athletes' drinking problems with alcohol sponsorship of sports. The Federal government said today it's only a matter of time before they ban this kind of sponsorship. Alcohol manufacturers are looking for alternative areas to sponsor, such as schoolies.

G20's global plan anounced

The meeting of some of the world's most powerful nations has hatched a plan to stimulate the global economy. One US spokesperson stated, "basically we need more fat kids - they buy and eat anything". Not everyone was happy with the idea as it seems to favour plans already in place by Australia and the US.

New Pyramid found

A 4,300 year-old Pyramid has just been discovered in Egypt, buried under metres of sand. In Nigeria they've just discovered a brand-new pyramid scheme.

Man Pregnant Again

Thomas Beattie a former woman is now a pregnant man, again. After giving birth to a baby earlier this year he stated, "it was such an amazing experience that it really changed me. I've never felt so changed in my life, apart from that operation".

Fake New York Times handed out

1.2 million copies of a fake New York Times newspaper were distributed in New York and Los Angeles. The pretend front page claimed that the war in Iraq was over. Readers expressed anger over the incorrect TV guide.

Man fired over Movember

David Nelson claims he was sacked for growing a Hitler moustache for Movember. Defending himself he said, "I was going for the porn look, it just grew shorter and thicker than I thought". His boss, Craig Campbell said "No one found his Hitler moustache funny". Mr Nelson works for the RSL.

Maldives to buy part of Australia

Rather than becoming victims of climate change, the government of the low-lying Maldives islands is looking to spend part of it's billion-dollar tourist money on buying new land. "As our land disappears we'd like to purchase a place that's similar to our home country." A government spokesman said. "Some place quiet, where there's nothing to do - we are currently looking at Adelaide."

Facebook cyberscam

Nigerian scammers have begun using the social networking site Facebook to scam money. Still less annoying than pirates and ninjas.

Baby bonus to be cut

In a drastic move, the Federal government has announced plans to cut the 'baby bonus', the $3000 once-off payment to help parents with a new baby. One upside though is that less money may help improve Australia's childhood obesity epidemic.

Obama campaign to be sued

While successfully capturing the imagination of a nation and storming home to become America's first black President, there is now some controversy surrounding Barack Obama's victory. He is being sued over his campaign slogan 'Yes We Can', by British construction worker Bob the Builder.

Google vs Dolly Parton

Major Tech Companies are lobbying the US government to release further bandwidth, creating new wireless opportunities. Opposing the idea is Dolly Parton, spokesperson for Theatre Producers who states that "there are concerns it may interfere with microphones used in Broadway musicals and theatre". It's the Titans of Silicon Valley versus the Silicon Titans.

Business time for new US President

Barack Obama has made history by becoming the first black president of the United States. He says he will get straight down to the business of goverment, fixing the economy and fighting terrorism. Now it's Obama vs Osama.

New Relaxation Video

After the excitement and stress of the Obama victory. You may need to relax.

Obama makes history

In his victory speech, Barack Obama echoed the hopes of a nation. "I want to join with all those people who are looking for change. We need change. About $700 billion worth of change to fix the economy."

Police drop charges against McKenney, drops E, drops trousers

"I always maintained my innocence", says McKenney. "No drugs for me, in fact the only drag I've ever had is the one I play in Priscilla.  "I'm glad I didn't have to go to court, after being on Dancing with the Stars, I wouldn't want to come up against a mean judge."

Prank Phone call on Palin

A Canadian Comedian pretended to be French President Sarkozy in a prank phone call to Republican Vice President Candidate Sarah Palin. Mrs Palin proffered to continue relations if she reached the White House even offering to go to hunting together. Of course the last time a Vice President went hunting with friends, Dick Cheney shot a guy.

Parents abandon private schools

In the current economic downturn, parents are leaving the fee-paying independent schools sector and enrolling their children in local public schools. In other drastic measures, some parents are even trading in their 4WDs and picking their kids up in Taragos. Helen Dwyer a mother at Mosman stated "It's terrible, they don't even have rowing for sport - we'll be craphouse by the time of the London Olympics."

Luhrman, Jackman, Kidman Epic Movie

This month sees the release of the action-romance period film 'Australia - The Movie'. The critics say, "much better than 'New Zealand - The Movie'. "

Body art ban for teens

Teenagers who rebel by piercing their forehead or permanently scarring themselves will soon be breaking the law. The NSW state government has made these activities illegal for anyone under 18. Banning piercing, scarring and alcopops, what's left for our kids? Junk food?, Catholicism? Attacking flamingos? 

Another Obama Assassination Plot foiled

In the US, the FBI has arrested four members of a White Supremacist group. These men were part of what is now the fifth plot to assassinate Presidential Candidate Barack Obama. Even though the FBI admits there may be other plots to kill Obama, he is still fifty-percent less likely to die before John McCain.

Keira Knightley weightloss concern

Hollywood actress Keira Knightley has dramatically lost weight over the last 8 weeks. Friends and family have raised concerns over her new trendy exercise regime. Today medical authorities in the US issued a warning against Pilates of the Caribbean.  

US government's economic rescue package

President Bush has pledged $700 billion in a bid to rescue the US economy. With the US dollar in free-fall, Bush has promised that $400 billion of that will be in World of Warcraft gold. 

Chicken Burger Meltdown

The worldwide economic downturn has now begun affecting well-known fast-food giants. It's the latest warning from the Federal Finance Commission about The Global Financial Crisis. The FFC warns KFC about the GFC.  

Working on Rail rort

Former RailCorp manager Brett Schliebs admitted that last July he took a day off to visit a lingerie restaurant in the CBD, despite filling in a time sheet that claimed he worked an 8 hour day. In his defence Schliebs stated, that as manager he was in charge of track-work and other erections.

Hotel digs deep to save stinking reputation

The Coogee Bay Hotel stands accused of serving ice-cream which contained traces of fecal matter, to a family that had complained to management about poor service. In a press conference held today, the hotel promised to serve free Lemon Sorbet, "to help cleanse the palette". 

Federal Police Terrorism Mistake

Australian Federal Police have been embarrassed by the bungled arrest of a so-called terrorism suspect. Police arrested an Indian Doctor who was driving a bomb to the Airport, turns out to just be a taxi.

Minister for speeding loses licence, loses temper

John Della Bosca, Minister for Education and Training has lost his licence and been forced to ride his bike to work. He has made a number of statements implying that he thinks 'a little bit of speed is ok'. Todd McKenney says the same thing.

Dr Killer travels with leader

Dr Graeme Killer, the medical adviser to Kevin Rudd will now travel with him on all his overseas trips. While Security were initially worried by the idea of Killer on the Plane, they consider him a better choice than Dr Geoffrey Snakes.

By Jove, Kevin's got a Jeeves

The Federal Opposition accuse Kevin Rudd of having a butler, who polishes his shoes and lays out his clothes when he travels. This almost became an embarrassing blunder when it was revealed that Brendan Nelson also pays someone to travel with him, but it turns out that Brendan Nelson pays someone to travel with him.

Rudd's 2020 Plan

The two biggest issues in Australia are obesity and rising food prices. Rudd's solution is to let it sort itself out. 

McKenney talks of his drug ordeal

Police question Todd McKenney about the number of pills in his possession. He replies "It takes two and I'm dancing with the stars"