Financial crisis hits Santa

This year even the jolly, red-suited Santa will feel the effects of the global credit crunch. Many department stores are deciding whether or not to employ 'Santa's Helpers' during this Christmas period. Is this a case of Santa getting the sack?

Shonky egg lables

Consumer group 'Choice' has given a 'shonky award' for misleading marketing to the Australian Egg Corporation, which labels its eggs as free range. A spokesperson said "we ensure each bird has access to an open range, but it's a chicken's freedom of choice to stay indoors". He continued "We don't know why they choose to stay indoors - they haven't even got Foxtel".

Russell Brand in trouble again

After being suspended from the BBC for making lewd phone calls to actor Andrew Sachs, describing how he slept with his granddaughter, Russell Brand now claims to have slept with the granddaughter of Che Guevera. It was, Brand said, "a sexual revolution".

Rolf Harris regrets racist verse

With the launch of his new illustrated book, titled Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport, Rolf Harris has removed a controversial verse from his original song. He says that what started as a fun song 50 years ago has become non-PC and that verse needed to be changed. Harris had no comment when questioned about the song's cruelty to animals.

Australians leave Britain

Leading British newspaper, London's Times has pleaded with Australians not to return home to better job opportunities as the pound plummets. "It's really a vote of no-confidence in the 'old country' " says Oliver Darcy, a conservative politician. "I mean I'm not not racist but why don't they not go back to their own country?"

Obama puts team together

President-elect Barack Obama has finalised the finance team for his new government. Voters who rallied to the cry of 'Time for Change' can expect just that, as they prepare for "the worst economic crisis in history".

ATM bandits strike again

Masked men have blown up three ATMs across Sydney, early this morning, exploding machines in Clovelly, Chester Hill and Guildford. Police have stated that it has nothing to do with the annoying Westpac woman.

Hillary Clinton joins Obama's cabinet

In a move designed to reconcile their differences and present a position of strength, President-Elect Barack Obama has appointed Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Clinton has stated that she is "looking forward to repairing America's reputation abroad". Her husband former President Bill Clinton, stated "Secretary?, That sounds hot!".

Childcare crisis worsens

As the critical shortage of childcare places worsens parents are sending their kids overseas or importing grandparents on year-long babysitting visas. As a result of this crisis Michael Jackson has re-opened Neverland.

Guns and Roses Album released this week

It's been 7 years and countless millions of dollars but this week sees the release of Chinese Democracy, the controversially-titled album from hard rock group Guns and Roses. Ironically, in China, the pirated version of the album is available, freely to all people.

Fresh allegations against fake Qantas Engineer

A man who who worked as a Qantas Safety Engineer and faked his qualifications to get the job, also faked the character references he supplied. The Qantas accidents were real.

NSW legalises marijuana for farmers

In legislation passed last month, the NSW government has legalised the growing of marijuana to licensed farmers. Licences have been given to those interested in hemp production. The government's hope is to create new jobs which seems to be working with a high level of youth remaining in the farming region.

Another Qantas crash

Two Qantas 747's collided while being towed at Avalon airport. While the release of the new james Bond movie Quantum of Solace has caused some hype in Australia, Qantas has continued with it's shocking year impacting it's reputation as it becomes the Qantas of Solemn.

Alcohol sponsorship of sport

Recent University research has directly linked athletes' drinking problems with alcohol sponsorship of sports. The Federal government said today it's only a matter of time before they ban this kind of sponsorship. Alcohol manufacturers are looking for alternative areas to sponsor, such as schoolies.

G20's global plan anounced

The meeting of some of the world's most powerful nations has hatched a plan to stimulate the global economy. One US spokesperson stated, "basically we need more fat kids - they buy and eat anything". Not everyone was happy with the idea as it seems to favour plans already in place by Australia and the US.

New Pyramid found

A 4,300 year-old Pyramid has just been discovered in Egypt, buried under metres of sand. In Nigeria they've just discovered a brand-new pyramid scheme.

Man Pregnant Again

Thomas Beattie a former woman is now a pregnant man, again. After giving birth to a baby earlier this year he stated, "it was such an amazing experience that it really changed me. I've never felt so changed in my life, apart from that operation".

Fake New York Times handed out

1.2 million copies of a fake New York Times newspaper were distributed in New York and Los Angeles. The pretend front page claimed that the war in Iraq was over. Readers expressed anger over the incorrect TV guide.

Man fired over Movember

David Nelson claims he was sacked for growing a Hitler moustache for Movember. Defending himself he said, "I was going for the porn look, it just grew shorter and thicker than I thought". His boss, Craig Campbell said "No one found his Hitler moustache funny". Mr Nelson works for the RSL.

Maldives to buy part of Australia

Rather than becoming victims of climate change, the government of the low-lying Maldives islands is looking to spend part of it's billion-dollar tourist money on buying new land. "As our land disappears we'd like to purchase a place that's similar to our home country." A government spokesman said. "Some place quiet, where there's nothing to do - we are currently looking at Adelaide."

Facebook cyberscam

Nigerian scammers have begun using the social networking site Facebook to scam money. Still less annoying than pirates and ninjas.

Baby bonus to be cut

In a drastic move, the Federal government has announced plans to cut the 'baby bonus', the $3000 once-off payment to help parents with a new baby. One upside though is that less money may help improve Australia's childhood obesity epidemic.

Obama campaign to be sued

While successfully capturing the imagination of a nation and storming home to become America's first black President, there is now some controversy surrounding Barack Obama's victory. He is being sued over his campaign slogan 'Yes We Can', by British construction worker Bob the Builder.

Google vs Dolly Parton

Major Tech Companies are lobbying the US government to release further bandwidth, creating new wireless opportunities. Opposing the idea is Dolly Parton, spokesperson for Theatre Producers who states that "there are concerns it may interfere with microphones used in Broadway musicals and theatre". It's the Titans of Silicon Valley versus the Silicon Titans.

Business time for new US President

Barack Obama has made history by becoming the first black president of the United States. He says he will get straight down to the business of goverment, fixing the economy and fighting terrorism. Now it's Obama vs Osama.

New Relaxation Video

After the excitement and stress of the Obama victory. You may need to relax.

Obama makes history

In his victory speech, Barack Obama echoed the hopes of a nation. "I want to join with all those people who are looking for change. We need change. About $700 billion worth of change to fix the economy."

Police drop charges against McKenney, drops E, drops trousers

"I always maintained my innocence", says McKenney. "No drugs for me, in fact the only drag I've ever had is the one I play in Priscilla.  "I'm glad I didn't have to go to court, after being on Dancing with the Stars, I wouldn't want to come up against a mean judge."

Prank Phone call on Palin

A Canadian Comedian pretended to be French President Sarkozy in a prank phone call to Republican Vice President Candidate Sarah Palin. Mrs Palin proffered to continue relations if she reached the White House even offering to go to hunting together. Of course the last time a Vice President went hunting with friends, Dick Cheney shot a guy.

Parents abandon private schools

In the current economic downturn, parents are leaving the fee-paying independent schools sector and enrolling their children in local public schools. In other drastic measures, some parents are even trading in their 4WDs and picking their kids up in Taragos. Helen Dwyer a mother at Mosman stated "It's terrible, they don't even have rowing for sport - we'll be craphouse by the time of the London Olympics."

Luhrman, Jackman, Kidman Epic Movie

This month sees the release of the action-romance period film 'Australia - The Movie'. The critics say, "much better than 'New Zealand - The Movie'. "